Grunkle Stan's Guide to Crashing your Great-Niece's Wedding
by Evil-Ekat
Summary: Mabel, his wonderful, loving and kind great-nice. She was getting married to, to that monster! She must have been tricked somehow right? Right? Stan's life comes crashing down around him as the question is popped. And with only a few months till doom's day, he's willing to do eveything in his power to stop that wedding. Everything. Winner of Jameer14's GFFA for Best humour story!
1. The Announcement

**A story containing a "Silence of the Lambs" parody, a very crazy bachelor party, and one grumpy old man who refuses to belive that Mabel could possibly be getting married. It's just a little short story, only five chapters long, we'll have daily updates. You guys are going to love the titles. My personal favourite is; "The Jealous Sociopathic Ex." I bet you can all guess who that is...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls.**

**Chapter One: The Announcement**

**Alternate Title: The Words of Doom**

* * *

_Weddings, a beautiful time for two families to join as one. They're wonderful as anyone would know from watching the hit soap opera "The Duchess Aproves." Wonderful that is, unless your great-niece decides she wants to get married to the worst person possible, and refuses to believe your claims of her insanity and the man's evil tendencies just waiting to pop out as soon as I look away. Stanford Pines everyone._

Dipper and Stan were sitting on the Mystery Shack porch. Well, Stan was sitting. Dipper was "helping" his great-uncle by painting the sign under a new layer of glitter paint. So far the birds had not attacked. Stan was practicing a few of his older card tricks he had not fooled any tourist with in a while. One involved slipping the correct card out of your hat as you scratched your head, and the other involved throwing the cards in the air and stealing the sucker's wallet in the confusion.

So far, he had gotten the latter nailed, stealing Soos's wallet not twice but four times that day. Somehow the handy man fell for it every time. But Soos didn't really count seeing as he didn't have any money. When he had told Soos to get a job, the man child pointed out he _did _have one, working for him.

Oh well, at least he had Dipper here fixing up the Shack. Too many tourists had complained about the sign being not glittery enough. Or maybe it was too glittery. It didn't really matter that much, he was actually getting _something _done.

Just then, a familiar car pulled up on the drive way. The old man narrowed his eyes behind his boxy glasses. Great, just what he needed. Mabel's wonderful boyfriend. Much to his surprise, only Mabel stepped out of the car.

"Did you finally break up?" Stan called over to his great-niece.

Mabel rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Hi to you too Grunkle Stan."

"I was hoping I had finally knocked some sense in to you." Stan said.

The woman rolled her eyes again and walked up the gravel drive.

"Hey Dipper can you come off the roof?" She yelled up to her brother.

"Dipper can come off the roof when he's done painting that sign."

"But Grunkle Stan-" The fully grown man began to whine.

"No buts! I didn't not pay you so you could slack off!"

"Well in that case-" Her twin slid down the ladder and shared an awkward sibling hug with Mabel.

"So what is it you wanted kiddo?" Stan asked.

Mabel beamed, showing her now brace-free teeth.

"Ok, brace yourselves." She began. "We're engaged!"

That was when Stan's elderly life came crashing down around him. Engaged! How was that possible? His sweet Mabel, inventor of flash makeovers and humanicaticatures was engaged. To Bill. The world vanished around the man for a second, he was aware of Dipper congratulating his sister and asking something about their parents blessings, to which she replied they had given them.

"By chance did you break up with blondie and meet someone new?" He asked faintly.

"No." Mabel replied firmly, knowing where he was going.

"Did he manipulate your thoughts into agreeing with this? Are you unable to say so?! You are! Blink twice if you are!"

The brunette shook her head and placed a hand on her hip.

"Stan, we both readily agreed to this. Surely you didn't see the signs?"

"He probably couldn't. They were too covered in glitter." Dipper mumbled.

"So where is this oh-so-amazing husband to-be then?" Stan challenged.

"Hiding from you in the car."

Stan stood up abruptly knocking over his chair and walked under the ladder Dipper had been using. He marched down the steps over to the car, Mabel in tow. The old man angrily knocked at the driver's window. Hesitantly, Bill rolled down the window, sinking in his seat at the sight of Stan standing outside the car window.

"H-hello S-stan."

"That's Mr. Pines to you buddy!"

"Hello Mr. P-Pines."

"Don't you say hello to me you little corn chip! What's the meaning of this?!" He asked, thrusting Mabel's hand in front of his face, displaying the soft gold and pearl engagement ring she was wearing.

"W-we're engaged."

Much to Mabel's surprise, the old man hoisted a terrified Bill out of the half opened car window.

"Grunkle Stan stop it!" She commanded, slapping him upside the head.

"No! Not until you admit he's forced you into the marriage!"

"He didn't! Stan, he's the man I love! He's different now! And my parents won't be happy if you kill him before they can actually meet in person."

"They've never met in person?!" Stan sputtered.

"You know they're always away on business, we talked over video chat. They liked him and dad gave their blessings."

"But they don't know who he really is! That he's-"

"Still choking to d-death?" The blond asked.

Mabel shook her head again and pulled Stan away from her fiancé. The poor man took a few deep breaths, fixing his now crumpled bow tie.

"Well we need to get going now." Mabel huffed, "We had just stopped by to tell you."

With that, she gave her great-uncle a slightly angry hug before sliding into her side of the car.

Stan watched as they drove off, leaving him in the dust. But he did not mind as the cloud of dirt covered his suit. His great-niece, Mabel was engaged. Engaged. Going to marry the monster who had sworn vengance on him all these years ago. Even though the demon had never done so, he could picture the blond smirking to him and whispering;

"She's mine now."

Before driving off, her hand resting on his. It had never really happened of course, but the man felt panic swirling I his gut. He had to find a way to stop that wedding!


	2. Wedding Plans

**For all of those who are not familiar with my OC Will, just know he's distantly related to the Pines, has a personality similar to Mabel's, looks exactly like Bill, whom he happens to be best friends with him. No matter how many times Bill tries to kill him, he always pops back up on the end though. Don't worry, he only has 3 short appearances in the whole story.**

**Also, I will be sticking to the update schedule seeing as the whole story was finished a while ago, and I am content with my daily updates.**

**Chapter Two: Wedding Plans**

**Alternate Title: Cakes, Dresses, and Murder. A Perfect Recipe!**

**Disclaimer: As much as it pains me, I do not own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

It had been several weeks now since the life changing news had destroyed Stan's elderly life. Mabel was determined as ever in her beliefs. She discredited ever claim of her insanity, any suggestions of mind manipulation. No matter what Stan did, she remained stubborn.

Not only that, he now had _him _tailing behind all the time asking for at least some approval when he wasn't scared to death of the old man. The blond had tried everything under the sun, which _was _a bit enjoyable to watch. But hell would freeze over before he changed his mind. Oh well, if one positive thing came from this, it was that he now had someone else sucking up to him.

"You! Mow the lawn faster, I'm loosing money here."

"Yes Mr. Pines."

"Don't you call me Mr. Pines! Minus all of your suck up points!"

"I never had any to begin with."

Stan paused, scratching his five o'clock shadow for a moment.

"Well in that case, plus fifteen million, six hundred zillion, eighty kajillion and one suck up points."

"Thank you?"

"Don't sound ungrateful you corn-chip! Minus all your suck up points!"

Bill sighed and shook his head before continuing to mow the lawn, with a pair of nail clippers.

_"How did Pine Tree do it all these years? I'm going crazy in this heat!"_

Of course, Mabel had already told him that sucking up never worked in the long haul when it came to Stan, but he was desperate. The old man was bordering between wanting to kill him and abusing his new found power over the man. Mabel insisted that deep down, Stan liked him, but he had a fleeting suspicion the only way Stan would like him was if he were six feet under or discovering what bleach tasted like. After all, why else would he have him doing next to impossible tasks like scrubbing the floors with a tooth brush and tying a cow bell to his latest attraction, a driving bear?

He knew the story with Dipper, he had warned the boy about that memory. Yet as it turned out, the old man was actually proud of him. But at least Stan had shown it from time to time. He had helped ruin the preteen's crush's current relationship, the man had saved them from a pterodactyl! All he had received was the ungainly nick name of corn chip and a few "Stop slacking off's." He hadn't been slacking off! He had been breaking his back for the woman he loved, Mabel.

Well, that was one reassurance he had. He would walk to the edge of the earth and back just to make her smile, obtain a trademark Mabel reply, a small kiss. He had not loved her all this time just to give up. He would get Stan's acceptance if it was the last thing he ever did.

"You're slacking off again!" Stan taunted.

Knowing Stan, it probably _would _ be the last thing he did.

* * *

Nursing his twisted wrist as Mabel bandaged his ankle, Bill said;

"That was nearly the last thing I did."

Mabel "tsked" shaking her head.

"Stan was becoming a bit ridiculous."

"He's going to murder me one of these days." He stated in a passively horrified voice.

His fiancée waved off his fears.

"Stan would never go that far." She mumbled between the pins she now had in her mouth.

"Yes he would."

Pinning the bandages around his ankle, she asked;

"What do you want me to kiss it better?"

"The National Bank of Bill Cipher always accepts donations."

"I have a negative twelve, will that tide you over?"

"I was referring to the being kissed better. You know I'm more tactful when it comes to begging for extra money."

"Well if you didn't always spend it on anything coming in yellow, I'd let you manage your own money. I mean really, yellow boxers with little top hats on them?"

"They were a dream come true. A match made in heaven! And besides you can't deny how amazingly sexy I looked in them."

"Personally, I prefer you with out them." She said with a not so subtle wink.

"Oh really?"

"We could always compare them if you're unsure." The brunette said, leaning closer to his face.

"How'd you know I was wearing them?" He replied, also leaning closer.

"Do you really want to find out?"

"No. I do not want to find out thank you very much. I'll just assume it was a lucky guess." Will interrupted.

The couple sprang apart, not noticing that Will had walked in to the shack.

"What happened to you?" His friend asked, pointing to his injuries.

"Long story short, Stan hates me."

Mabel rolled her eyes and informed Will;

"He doesn't hate him. Just give the man some time."

"Yea, he even warmed up to me after a time."

"That's because you're exactly like Mabel."

"What? No I'm not!"

* * *

_Flashback_

_Will, a fully grown man, was running around the Shack property with Waddles. Stan shook his head in confusion._

_"Yaaaaaayyy graaaaaass!" He announced, now rolling around in the grass._

_"Weirdo." Stan muttered to himself._

* * *

"Always the positive one aren't you Mabel?" Will asked, leaning against the wall.

"Oh you're one to speak William Pines." She retorted.

"Hey! Respect your elders!" Will informed her.

"Why are you here anyways?" Bill asked.

"I think Stan called me over saying something about using me to stop the wedding. But I'll probably side with you guys seeing as I've never been the best man before and I love wedding cake."

"Hold it, when did I say you were the best man?" The blond asked, crossing his arms.

"Oh so you're going to have Stan take my place?"

"Whatareyouinsaneofcoursenot! You could have at least waited until I asked you. For all you know I had asked ... I don't know, Waddles!"

"Mabel, would you ever allow your future husband to stand next to a pig dressed in a tux as you walked down the aisle?"

The woman gave him a skeptical look wondering if that was supposed to be a rhetorical question or not.

"Will, would you be the best man at our wedding?"

"Really?" The young man asked, his voice becoming squeaky, "I thought you'd never ask! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"

Suddenly, the couple found them both them swallowed in a bear hug.

"Will. You're killing my great-niece. The other guy I don't mind so much but hurt her and you'll be in for a world of pain." Stan said, walking in to the room.

Will let go of them, a tiny smirk playing on his face.

"Guess who gets to be the best maaaan!" The cheery blond said.

"No one if Mabel would finally call this thing off."

The woman scowled at Stan's expected cynical remark.

"Well if you're here you may as well help with the wedding plans."

All of three of the men turned pale, and Dipper who had walked in to the shack with his girlfriend and Mabel's best friend Candy, he guessed what she had said and slowly backed away. Candy, who had conspired with Mabel to trick the men in to helping with the plans, gently pushed Dipper in to the room.

Both women gave a grin of pure malice and Mabel said sweetly;

"Dipper! You're just in time to help with the wedding plans!"

Raising his hands, he said;

"No, no. I'm fine! You wouldn't want my-"

_Click._

"Click?" The twin gulped.

He looked down at his hand to find it was how handcuffed to the table. Bill and Stan saw where this was going, but it was two late. Both men found themselves handcuffed to the chair and lamp respectively.

"Err, is this really nessicary?"

Mabel gestured to Stan, who was already trying to bite through his arm in an attempt to escape.

"Stupid arm." He muttered between mouthfuls of his suit, "Always getting in the way."

Sitting down on one of the free chairs, Mabel said;

"Now we just need to wait."

"For what?!" Dipper asked, exasperated.

"Hey guys!" Came the masculine voice of Grenda.

Now it was Will's turn to change colour and slowly back away. Mabel shook her head ruefully, thinking at least Will could be reasonable. With a quick _snap _he found himself cuffed to an already irritated Stan. But Stan wasn't the poor man's problem at the time. Grenda had as Mabel so cutely put it, a thing for him. No one was safe from the hold of the marriage obsessed women.

* * *

Three hours later, everyone was completely dog tired of talking about what flavour of cake to get. Everyone meaning the men. Dipper and Will tried to be interested, Bill was morally offended by the idea of angel food cake seeing as he was a demon. He was also still trying to figure out the difference between angel food cake and vanilla. None, but no one had bothered to explain to him. Stan was just plain unhelpful.

"So then, the actual cake flavour-" Mabel was saying.

"Why not break-up flavour?" The old man asked.

"But what does break-up taste like?" Candy asked, twiddling a pencil in her hand.

The women were silent a moment before Grenda yelled;

"Ice cream!"

Will covered his ears, sure he had lost his sense of hearing thanks to that. Dipper continued to stare off in to space, Stan paused trying to bite through his arm, and Bill was still lost in the world of what separated angel food cake from being vanilla.

"Ice cream cake..." The bride to be mused. "What do you think Bill?"

_"So is angel food cake another kind of cake but with vanilla Icing? Or is It just white coloured?"_

"Yea, sure whatever" He replied absently.

The brunette frowned, annoyed that he wasn't paying attention.

"So would you prefer your tux to be pink with frills,or polka dotted?"

_"But if they're the same thing, why would they have two different names?"_

"Sure, sounds great."

"You should shave your hair too, that would look endearing in the wedding photos."

_"Maybe instead of using regular water they replace it with holly water when baking it? Maybe it's blessed by the pope or something?"_

"You always come up with the best ideas dearest."

"And instead of marrying me, you can marry Soos."

_"But wouldn't that make it poisonous to me then? But I've eaten vanilla cake before, so they must be completely different things!"_

"Brilliant, I love it- Wait, what?!"

All the women plus Dipper and Will burst out laughing. Stan just farther frowned and gave up on escaping his handcuffs. Strange considering he had always escaped the ones the police had. Or maybe that was just their sheer incompetence.

"Glad to see you were paying attention." Mabel said finally. "Ice cream cake?"

"What kind of ice cream?" He asked cautiously.

"Vanilla."

* * *

"You! Cipher! Get out of my house already." Stan gruffly said, attempting to roll the blond out of the shack.

Rubbing his head, the man asked;

"What happened?"

"You screamed like a little girl and fainted at the mention of vanilla." He informed the other man. "Everyone's long gone. And you should be too. It's late."

"How late?"

"Ten o'clock. And minus all your suck up points for fainting like a wimp."

"I never had any in the first place!" The young man snapped, getting to his wobbly feet.

After a long day of pure nonsense, he was already tired and had thrown caution to the wind. Disregarding the whole Stan would kill him if he could get away with it, he asked;

"Why can't you just accept the fact that we're engaged Stan? I love her, and would kill myself before you could even get to me If I hurt her. She's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I thought we had hurried the hatchet."

Stan glared at the man with building rage, and had to restrain himself from yelling at him.

"You'll never receive any blessings from me, I'd sooner she married Gideon than you."

"Owch," Bill said to himself, "You'd rather have your great-nice marry the same sociopath who has tried to kidnap her, force her in to a romantic relationship, and refuses to reform after all these years."

"As if you're any better." The crotchety old man scoffed.

"When was the last time you saw me causing trouble? When was the last time I did anything personal to harm you?" The blond asked softly.

"Your engagement to Mabel is pretty direct."

"You know that's not what I meant Stan." He growled.

Still fixing the man with his steely glare through his glasses, Stan snarled;

"Get out of my house."

One would be surprised how quickly he ran out of the shack.


	3. The Bachelor Party

**Chapter Three: The Bachelor Party**

**Alternate Title: Gold Spray Paint**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls**

* * *

Will, Soos, and Dipper watched as Stan stomped into the restaurant, naturally a few minutes late. He seemed to be muttering something about sneaking into a bachelorette part, and neither Pines took this as a good sign.

"Stan, is that lipstick?" Dipper asked.

"What? No! I wasn't disguised as a woman! What's a disguise?!"

The two were both able to guess what exactly he had been up to from that. They shared a look and Will just replied;

"How did Mabel realize it was you?"

"My voice is to recognizable." He muttered before walking over to the bar, "Waiter, give me a whatever, just something so I can forget about this whole wedding thing."

Soos, who was behind the counter that night complied and handed him a drink. It was then a brilliant idea came to Stan's mind.

"Alcohol poisoning." He said aloud to himself.

"Should I take that as a bad sign?" Bill asked Dipper and Will, having just arrived.

"Probably." Soos answered for him.

"Just don't accept anything Stan gives you." Dipper said with a shrug.

"What?! He can't do that! It's his bachelor party! He's supposed to get completely drunk so he regrets it the next day." Soos said.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Will nodded and took his first shot.

"Completely."

* * *

A very large quantity of alcohol later, Stan was the only one who had seemed to be able to stay under control. After several crazy things including dancing on tables, falling off tables, landing on a waiter carrying a wedding cake, and crying like little children as Soos scolded them, they had calmed down.

Currently, the other three young men were sitting together. Well, perhaps that was not quite the right description. Will, who rarely drank and had little to no tolerance for anything, was half passed out of the floor. Occasionally, he would chime in with some nonsensical words or begin to quietly sing to himself, but he could not bring himself to move from the spot.

Bill and Dipper were sitting at a table, the younger by five minutes Pines twin had an arm around the blond's shoulders and it looked as if they were both attempting to have some sort of deep conversation in their stupor.

"Hic, I've always sort of liked you." Dipper said.

"Really?" The man asked, his voice becoming high pitched.

"Really. You be good to my sister you hear? And name a kid after me too" He slurred. "And if you ever, ever hurt her I'll, I'll..."

He never finished and dropped stone-cold passed out on the table. This left Stan and Bill as the only two somewhat conscious people. Of course, Stan realized this as all the time he had been planning what exactly he would do to the men. He had only been drinking Pitt Cola all along...

* * *

Dipper was the first to wake up the next morning.

"Ohhh my head." He moaned, "What happened? And why am I spray painted solid gold?!"

Dipper looked around in the bright morning light. His eyes stung, but he had no idea what was going on. Suddenly, he screamed.

"Ahhh!"

"Ahhh!" Will shrieked back in reply, being woken up Dipper's panicked yelling.

"Smile for the picture!" Candy called up to them, holding up her phone.

They both screamed again, realizing where they were. Somehow, they were in the Gravity Falls town square, laying on the statue of Nathaniel Northwest. Someone had painted them both to look like the monument, so no one had realized they were up there until they screamed. The two Pines both looked over the edge of the statue. From their spot on the man's hat, it was at least a fiver meter drop. Dipper's girlfriend blew them a kiss and walked off, most likely sending to the picture to every single person who they knew. This was _not _good.

"Will, what did we do last night?!" Dipper asked.

"What do you mean what did we do last night?! We got completely hammered! How am I supposed to know?!"

"Wait. Where's Bill?"

"Where's Bill?! How can you ask that when we're spray painted gold and are hanging off of the town's beloved "hero" statue?"

"Stop yelling, you're making my headache worse. Besides, this was your idea in the first place."

"You're right..." Will mused. "It must have been pretty awesome if we ended up like this. I didn't even know you could by gold spray paint!"

"Yea, and who knew you could climb the statue while drunk?"

"Yea..."

* * *

While Dipper and Will continued to discuss what they could have done the night before, Bill found himself in a less welcoming (Well as welcome as you could feel waking up and finding you've been spray painted gold and somehow on top of a statue in the middle of town where everyone could see you.) situation.

Not only did it feel like he had been hit with a truck, his shirt was missing altogether and someone had drawn a fake six pack on his abs with black permanent marker. His hair was standing on end as if someone had gelled it that way. But with whipped cream instead. Something told him if he looked in a mirror, he'd probably have a fake moustache drawn on his face too. And was that Waddles licking the whipped cream out of his hair?!

"Ahhh, what did I do last night?" He mumbled. "And why am I on the Mystery Shack's lawn?"

"You danced on a table with Dipper and Will, you cried for about thirty minutes after Dipper said he didn't completely hate you, and you broke off your engagement with Mabel over text." Stan informed him.

The demon pulled himself off the grass, shivering slightly in the early spring weather.

"Oh, ok... wait. What?! I need to go call Mabel and tell her that I was drunk! Oh gods was she upset when she go home? What happened?!"

"You're too late." Stan said, "She's already engaged to Will now."

Instantly, the blond stopped panicking, realizing what Stan was trying to do.

"Oh, isn't Will's boyfriend upset that he cheated on him?" He asked slyly.

Stan swore and muttered something that suspiciously sounded like; "Shit! I totally forgot about that!"

Just then Mabel walked out from the Shack. Noting Stan's annoyed expression and Bill's confused one, she placed her hands on her hips and asked;

"Stan were you trying to break off our engagement again?"

"What? No! Oh look! Soos needs my help with something over there!"

The old man ran off to the gift shop in an attempt to hide from the wrath of his great-niece. Mabel just shook her head before turning back to her fiancé.

"Come on, let's go get you cleaned up."

Stan watched from inside the gift shop as Mabel gave her (He shuddered.) fiancé a kiss and began to hose him off in an attempt to remove the whipped cream and marker. The blond jumped around a little at the cold hose water. After he had been thoroughly cleaned, he gave Mabel a soaking wet hug, the woman shrieked and pushed away from him laughing.

The old man growed as they shared another kiss. If he couldn't break them up, there was only one option left. The only man who could possinly give the demon a run for his money when it came to mental stability, Gideon.


	4. The Jealous, Sociopathic Ex

**By far this is my favourite chapter in the story. You don't need to undrestand the refrences to like this chapter, things just get full out crazy when Stan goes to his last resort.**

**Chapter Four: The Jealous, Sociopathic Ex**

**Alternate Title: A Silence of the Lambs Parody**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

_"Ah hahahaha! You really think you can stop me Stanford Pines?!" The voice echoed,"You're too late, she's mine!"_

_"No! Let her go you monster!" He snarled in return, trying to reach his great-niece. Mabel remained frozen in place, a passive look on her face despite the situation. _

_"Really, name calling? You're breaking my heart to bits."_

_A wave of nausea washed over him as the demon trailed several kisses up her neck._

_Let Mabel go!"_

_"W-wha? How do you know my name?" Mabel spoke for this first time, "W-who is he Bill?"_

_He gave her a reassuring smile and smoothed back her hair._

_"No one for you to worry about dearest." So only Stan could hear, he added; "At least he won't be soon enough."_

_"What?! No! It's me Mabel! It's me!"_

_"May as well say your good byes now Stanford Pines!"_

_"Stanford Pines..."_

_"Stanford Pines..."_

"Stanford Pines!"

Started, the old man jerked awake, finding himself in the waiting room.

"You will now be escorted down to Prisoner Six One Eight's cell Mr. Pines." A voice on the loudspeaker said.

Shaking off the feeling of the nightmare, he proceeded down the hall.

"Here we go."

* * *

Stan shivered a little as a guard lead him down the bleak halls. All the prison walls were made of solid steel, but it did nothing to muffle the insane laughter and hysterical screams coming from the sociopathic inmates within the building's confines. Smiling Bunnies and Puppies, Home for the Criminally Deranged was no place for anyone to be. But there was no where else to turn. He was desperate, desperate enough to ask for help from his mortal nemesis. A crash of thunder and lightning rocked the building as he and the escort of guards came to the last cell block.

"Hello Stanford. It's been a while. But I knew you would come in the end." Gideon greeted softly from the confines of his cell.

At first Stan could not see much in the dimness of the cell, only a pair of pink-grey eyes stood out in the dark along with glinting white hair. Once his eyes adjusted a little more, the old man had to fight back the urge to scream in fright. As he saw the fraudulent psychic standing in the middle of the cell, watching him as if he knew that Stan would be coming all along. Through the flashes of lightning that lit the cell from time to time, he was able to make several distinct observations about the prisoner.

Standing was not quite the right word to describe his position. He was handcuffed and trapped in a white straight-jacket, secured with leather straps. He seemed to be standing on what could only be described as a trolly, preventing him from walking anywhere.

"Eleven years Stanford, eleven years..." The man added, filling in the silence.

It was clear what eleven years in near solitary had done to him. The now 20 year old man had grown much taller and more slim through adolescence. His hair was clean, but it looked like in all his time of being here, he had never had it cut. The white-blond locks reached almost past his shoulders. Stan debated making a quip about how girly his hair still was. But as the eyes slanted in a challenging pose, he decided against it.

From the irregular updates his family had received for whatever reason, Stan knew all of the doctors had long since given up on curing him. The all retold similar tales of how easily he got into their minds, how easily he could have manipulated him into being let free. He was still charismatic in his disturbingly suave way despite his child-like façade being torn away long ago. Yet no one had managed to sentence him to death either. Gideon was just as determined to remain the way he was, the deranged look in his eyes was enough for the old man to confirm this.

"Guards, you may leave." The albino addressed them as if they would actually listen.

Much to Stan's surprise, they heeded. The con man wanted to protest that they couldn't leave him here alone with Gideon, but still remained silent.

"Cat got your tongue Stanford? Or did one of your silly attractions backfire on you?"

This brought the man back to reality.

"I think you have a fair idea of why I'm here." The old man replied.

"I'm sure I do Stanford, I'm sure I do. Even from behind this glass I can smell the alcohol and wedding cake on you. It's still a mystery to me why you remained a bachelor all these years. Cheapscapes not attractive these days? My only question, is who? I've ben here a looong time ya' know. And I haven't the faintest."

"You'd think I was lying."

"Au contraire Stanford, au contraire... Not much surprises me these days."

Stan hesitated, wondering if it would trigger an insane outburst he was told to have at the mention of Mabel.

"She's marrying, Bill."

Gideon did nothing but take a deep inhale.

"I don't see the chemistry." He finally answered.

"So you obviously know why I've come here then."

"Give me the journals, and I'll tell you what I think."

"Hmph, I thought you would have been more willing to stop her from marrying."

"Why does that matter? We're going to end up together anyways, it's only a matter of time before they let me out of here."

"Gideon, you have a life sentence."

"Do I? You seem to think that will stop me."

Stan paled at these words. Was he planning something? There was another crash of thunder and lightning. Suddenly, the man realized what had been causing his hair to stand on end. As the cell was briefly illuminated by the menacing force of nature, he could see more of the room.

Pictures of Mabel, old, older, and recent plastered the walls. Pictures of her smiling, laughing, crying. Any with her other family members and friends had them scribbled out. The ones with him and Dipper in them had the words "die" and "next in line" scribbled across their faces.

Papers prisoners used to write letters home with were were scattered across the ground, all of them bearing the same name written in solid red pen. "Mabel Gleeful"

The assumed name trailed in neat little lines, perfect red cursive that mimicked Mabel's exactly. Horrified, Stan took a step back, the another. Gideon watched this all with deranged amusement.

"So do we have a deal Stanford?"

"N-no." The man softly stuttered.

Slowly, the sociopath began to chuckle, than laugh. Stan turned around broke out into a full out run.

"I'll be back Stanford! You'll see! You'll see..."

The next thing Stan was aware of, he was in his reliable El Diablo speeding down the highway as police cars escorted him off prison boundaries. The conversation between him and Gideon relayed through his mind, and he gave a defeated sigh as he realized; No one, absolutely no one, could be a worse person for Mabel to marry. Not even Bill.


	5. The Wedding

**Ahh the wedding! I decided to split in to six chapters instead. It helps. You'll see.**

**Chapter Five: The Wedding**

**Alternate Title: Plot Twist**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls**

* * *

Bill nervously fiddled with his tie, but Will slapped away his hand saying;

"It took me forever to tie that Bill! Don't you dare mess it up!"

"Will, I could have easily done it myself. I've had all eternity to practice tying a bow tie." The demon pointed out

"Well I'm still trapped in a nineteen year-old's body, I have to be sweaty and awkward for the rest of my existence." His long-time friend pointed out, "So just, I don't know. Not mess up my handy work!"

"You act like you're the one getting married." He tried to calmly reply.

"Aww, are you nervous?"

"What?! No! It just feels like my stomach is tying itself in knots and my head is playing static."

"That means you're nervous." The blond explained.

"I am not!" He protested, slicking his hair farther back in an attempt to remain calm.

"Maybe not about the wedding, but about what Stan will do to you? And what he will do when you two decide to have kids? Or walks in on you two breathing the same air?"

The other blond sheepishly nodded.

"You'd be stupid not to. But I can assure you he'll come around." Will paused glancing down at his watch. "Oh. I need to get going. So much for my pep speech."

He handed the demon a few cue cards with what he was planning to say.

"You can do this!" He called, running out of the house, "I know you can!"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Bill was still staring at his reflection trying to persuade himself to do anything other than faint or pass out dead as soon as Stan found him. Despite the fact he was staring into a wall length mirror, he did not see Dipper come up behind him.

"Pleasedon'tkillme! I mean- Hello Pine Tree, what brings you around?"

"Will told me to make sure you weren't planning to run away to Canada, and for me to read his pep speech?"

"Why would I run away to Canada? They banned me for life because I went over the Horseshoe Falls with out a daredevil's permit. Alaska maybe, but Canada no."

"You're changing the subject."

"Of course I am!"

"No you aren't-" Dipper froze, realizing he had just fallen for the oldest trick in the book. "Let's just get this speech reading over with."

The blond handed him the cue cards. Dipper took a moment to admire how his distant relative, like him felt the need to plan everything ahead in the form of extravagant lists and notes.

"It's only taken you several hundred years, but you've finally done it. I know you rarely believe it yourself, but you are loyal to the bone, and caring in your own crazy way. Over time, you let yourself open up to Mabel and visa versa. You two have been through hell and back together, and I can't imagine anyone else you could possibly want to spend the rest of your life with. You gave up being a demon for her, are you really going to let the threats of a crazy old man get in the way of your big day?"

Dipper paused to take a breath.

"Well that was his speech, and here's mine."

"Y-you wrote one for me?" He asked, raising his head a little.

"Yes. Is that a little too cheesy?" He asked uncertainly.

"No, it just brings out that streak you share with Will. Honestly, I didn't see it coming."

"We're going to be brothers in three hours, we may as well start off somewhere."

"Good point."

"My sister happens to be the sweetest, kindest, most open-minded person in the world. She has manged to extend her one of a kind personality to you; the unloveable, cynical, oddball. For all your cryptic and melodramatic actions, you somehow managed to win her heart, and my respect and blessings in marriage. I don't know exactly how you did it, and I am one to dwell on the mysteries of Gravity Falls, but I think I'll leave this one untouched."

As Dipper finished, he handed the man both the cue cards written in Will's trade mark scrawl, and his impossibly small print. The younger by five minutes twin patted him on the back and said;

"I'll see you on the aisle! Now get ready to sweep her off her feet!"

The words of both will and Dipper had been encouraging, but not enough to scatter the fear that Stan would eventually get to him sooner or later. The blond groaned and began to fiddle with his tie again, eventually pulling the black bow tie to shreds. How was he supposed to marry Mabel when her great-uncle was out to kill him?! He had to be so stubborn in his ways! There was no winning!

He had walked off the edge of the earth in order to at least gain some respect from the crotchety old man, yet he had not bothered to even give a small thumbs up. Just something to show that Stan believed he had changed in his ways, he did care for Mabel! Instead he found himself standing in the Mystery Shack's bathroom mirror unraveling the thread that made his tie.

"You've completely ruined that tie." A gruff voice behind him said.

Bill jumped, and turned to face Stan. Immediately, the demon began to sweat and pull at the collar of his tux. Stan just rolled his eyes and said;

"Calm down, I'm not here to murder you."

"A-are you s-sure?" He stuttered, backing away from the old man.

"Do you have any idea where I just was?"

The blond shook his head, wondering what this was leading to.

"My last resort. The only person who could possibly help me stop you two from getting married."

"You didn't-"

"I did."

Suddenly, something inside of Bill's mind snapped. The world went red for a second, and the timid nervousness that had ruled his life around Stan for the past years vanished. A blazing fury set in on the man. He snarled something to himself before ripping off the shreds that were now the tie. Then, he turned on Stan, wanting to vent his anger so the whole world could hear.

"What?! You really were that desperate! You'd really rather have Gideon for a great-nephew in-law, which happens to be really distant by they way, rather than me?! Well you know what Stan?!"

"I've had It! I've done every last thing in an attempt to get your approval! I'm not doing another damned thing for you, I don't care if you are on your _death bed_! I'm going to marry Mabel, and you'll have to find a way to kill me before ai give up on her! I'll see you at the altar!"

With that, he stormed out of the room, growling and shouting out curses to the world. But Stan remained felt as if he had been slapped across the face. Like the time Dipper had first stood up to him, it came as a surprise. A realization came to him, a glorious wonderful idea. Stan grinned and found a spare bow tie, before heading off to the wedding.

* * *

Nervously standing at the altar, Bill watched as Candy and Grenda walked down the aisle tossing little rose petals of a deepest magenta, Waddles tailed behind the prossision on a leash, the two rings tied to a silk pillow on his back. The little pig was dressed in a white and yellow tux, he looked happy to be the center of such attention. But it was stolen away from him as the bride walked down the aisle.

Every one rose as Mabel passed by, lead down the row by her father (He bore a resemblance to a younger Stan, sans glasses) who was clearly trying not to cry as his little girl prepared to take her vows. When she first came in to sight, the groom sucked in a large breath of air.

She was wearing a lofty and elegant dress, skirt and veil trailing behind her. It shimmered in the slightest, revealing an embroidered pattern of tiny stars with tails behind them. Gradually, she made her way to the altar, getting a little assistance from himself so she could climb the steps.

He realized his chest was hurting, as he had been holding it the whole time. Will gave him a sly grin before returning to his usual innocent one, and Dipper gave him a look that clearly read;

_"You hurt her and I'll..."_

Instinctively trying to straighten the tie that was not there on his white tux jacket, he felt his heart beat triple the speed as the priest began.

"Ladies and Dude- er men. We are here today to-"

Soos continued on with the vows, occasionally slipping in the word dude every now and them. He had insisted on being the one to join them in holly matrimony, taking his deal as an online priest very seriously. neither one had wanted to object, and he was supposedly certified.

"-Speak now, or forever hold your pea-"

"I object." A voice said quietly.

Everyone gasped and turned to face the back of the crowd. The couple's hold on each other faltered, and the ring slipped out of the bride's hand. Staring at where the voice had come from, a deathly silence rang through the room. It was Stan who was first to reply.

"Gideon?!"


	6. The Wedding (Another One that is)

**None of you saw that coming did you? Hehe, and now our thrilling conclusion! Thanks for following along with this short you guys! It was fun, but I'm sure you're tired of the MaBill being prevented.**

**Chapter Six: The Wedding (Another One that is.)**

**Alternate Title: Stalkers Always find a way. Always...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls.**

* * *

_"I object." _

_Everyone gasped and turned to face the back of the crowd. The couple's hold on each other faltered, and the ring slipped out of the bride's hand. Staring at where the voice had come from, a deathly silence rang through the room. It was Stan who was first to reply._

_"Gideon?!"_

* * *

"What are _you _doing here?!" The old man asked.

"I've come to reclaim my bride."

Mabel wrinkled her nose and Dipper rolled his eyes.

"Dude, did you even have a chance for her to be your bride?" Soos asked.

"Soos! What sort of a question is that?!" Mabel asked, "Of course he hasn't!"

"Well in that case dude, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Gideon smiled and pushed himself off the wall he had been leaning against, striding out of the shadows. Now revealing himself to the crowd, they saw he was now dressed in a larger version of his powder-blue lil' Gideon outfit. His hair had been cut and sprayed back in to it's shiny and poofy glory, and he wore the same light blue contacts to disguise his albinism. Not only that, he had one final touch perfecting the lil' Gideon homage.

"B-but I destroyed it!" Mabel faltered.

"And I repaired it." The sociopath replied.

Before anyone could react again, they were frozen in to place. Everyone struggled against the teal bonds holding them in place, but he only smirked at their pitiful attempts. In his hand, Gideon held an exact replica of the tie he had worn and used to control his fans with so many years ago.

The man strode up the aisle, amused at the uncomfortable looks on the group's face, and the furious one on Bill's.

"Really? You broke him out of jail just to crash our wedding Stan!"

"What?! No I didn't!" Stan denied.

But the blond just gave him a seething look, not believing the words.

"Really, I didn't I'm telling the truth!"

Gideon fake yawned and said;

"Cut it with the drama. This isn't _The Duchess Aproves."_

"Gideon you little creep, there's no way you can get away with this!" Dipper snarled, trying to wriggle out of the blue aura. " it's not like you can just marry my sister right now."

"Actually, yes I can."

He raised an arm, and Bill was lifted in to the air, forced to float above everyone. Taking the demon's spot on the altar, he forced Mabel's hands to hold his.

"Continue with the service." Gideon commanded.

"Dude, I can't just-"

Snapping his fingers, Soos began to recite the vows robotically, and lacking his frequent use of the word dude. Mabel shuddered in disgust, thinking nothing would go too far. But as the albino placed the ring on her finger, she began to panic.

"Do you. Gid. E. On. Glee. Ful. Take. Ma. Bel. Pines. To. Be. Your. Un. Law. Fully. Wedd. Ed. Wife?" Soos asked, pausing between each syllable.

"I d-"

He hesitated at that very moment. Waddles, who everyone had forgotten up until that point had trotted over to the man and began to chew on his pants. While normally, this wouldn't be a problem, it broke his concentration for a moment. His concentration on one particular person.

_"Left hook!"_

_Wack!_

The force of Stan's punch to the jaw sent Gideon sprawling across the floor. He spat out a few mouthfuls of blood and teeth, before his eyes slid up in to his head and he fell unconscious. All at once, the hold on everyone was released. Which was a relief until Bill fell almost on top of Mabel.

"We're ok."

"Speak for yourself." Mabel muttered, pulling off the engagement ring Gideon had placed on her. " Creep."

Everyone watched as she hurled the ring across the room, and placed on her real one. Now, the attention was drawn to Stan, wondering if he had really tried to conspire with Gideon in order to stop the wedding. Massaging the knuckles on his hand, the man quietly said;

"I think that's enough crazy for one day."

"Grunkle Stan did you really-"

The old man scowled at the blond.

"_He, _never let me finish what I was going to say."

Walking up the now trashed aisle, the con man stepped on to the altar and faced Bill. Placing a large hand on either one of his shoulders, he looked him in the eyed and began;

" I drove ten hours southwest in order to see him. And you know what? He was crazy, crazier than you. He had refused to reform these past years, while you did it in a heartbeat for my great-niece. He was insane, he completely obsessed with there I realized I'd rather have you as a great-nephew in-law than him. More than that actually.

I watched as you did every last thing possible to gain my approval. You toiled, you broke your wrist and your ankle, you bit your tongue at every snide remark I through at you in an attempt to make you snap. You snuck into the Shack, risking possible death by guard pig just because you forgot to tell her that you loved her. Finally, you stood up to me. And after all that. You have my blessings."

The man stared at him, shocked. He felt tears began to well in his eyes. Suddenly, Stan found himself being hugged as the blond quietly sobbed into his suit jacket.

"Stop it, I don't even like you that much."

Eventually he had to push the man away from him.

"So are we going to continue with this wedding or what?" Soos asked.

The bride and groom looked at each other before nodding in union.

"Well in that case I declare you-"

"Hold it!"

They froze, wondering what he could possibly want.

"You pulled your tie to shreds, if you showed up like that for the wedding pictures, you'd have Will trying to murder you instead."

He paused for a moment, scratching his five o'clock shadow before deciding on something. He pulled off his own burgundy ribbon-tie and quickly looped it around the other man's neck.

"There. Problem solved."

This action spoke louder than any of his tough words. Stan had been willing to give up something for him, expecting nothing in exchange. Stan the cheap, flint hearted, con man gave him something in return for all he had done trying to prove himself. It was his way of saying; "_You did it and I'm proud of you._ With out ever uttering a word of the sorts.

"Thank y-you." He managed to say.

Stan didn't reply, instead he stomped off muttering something about idiotic great-nephews in law and how many great-great children he wanted. But secretly, he hid a smile at the latter's mix of confusion and joy.

Fixing his hat, Soos cleared his throat. He would have started the ceremony over for the third time that day, but the whole notation of it being the _third time_ got to him.

"Just kiss the bride already."

_**Fin**_


End file.
